Assalamualaikum w.b.t. & Greetings,
It's now officially the end of ana's 2nd year as an amatullah (servant of Allah). To be honest, my reaction this time is truly different from the way I felt when I hit the end of my 1st year. (Year 1) I guess back then I was more naive and carefree (maybe cos I knew much less then.)
I am not AS enthusiastic or excited in the same way. It's not because I'm feeling or growing tired of being a Muslim. No, certainly not. I am still very much into Islam and this faith as I was when I first said my syahadah. In fact, my desire to perform my duties and obligations as a Muslimah has intensified by a great degree this year.
I am pretty sure it is due to this that I am not ecstatic about today. Those who would understand or empathise me are only those who are or have been in the same boat as me. This is why entering my 3rd year doesn't seem to appeal very much to me as it doesn't bring about any changes to the fact that I am still not able to perform many of my obligations. I live in lie every single day, and I wonder if my days are blessed. (Hidup ana bisa berkat ke, kalau hari2 hidup dalam penipuan? Astaghfirulla.. astaghfirulla.. astaghfirulla al adzim.) Thinking about this always bring me to tears. Last week, it almost broke me. After watching a video, it hit me so hard, I felt I am the most sinful being alive, which led me to the ultimate woe and probably could bring home the Guinness World Records for the extreme wail of the century <-- And no, I am not exaggerating here. Trust me. I couldn't believe myself for being capable of that. *shakes head* (Hence, I would like to express my utmost sincere appreciation to Farah Hani and Wahida Wahab for being my victims on Thanksgiving Day. Without picking up my calls, I might have done something utterly stupid, but the only other thing that stopped me is cos of the realisation that if I were to die, it means I took my own life and that means hell (Jahanam) for me. astaghfirulla. I am not willing. No.)
I guess I am welcoming my 3rd year in a different approach altogether
--> HAVING TO LEARN TO ACCEPT LIVING IN PASRAH.
(2:277) - Truly, those who believe and do righteous deeds, and perform Salah, and give Zakah, they will have their reward with their Lord. On them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve. (Amin yaRabbil al amin)
(64:16) - So fear Allah as much as you are able and listen and obey and spend in the way of Allah; it is better for yourselves. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul it is those who will be successful.
(2:153) - O' you who believe! Seek help through patience and Salah, Truly, Allah is with those who are patient.
(2:238) - Maintain with care the (obligatory) prayers and (in particular) the middle prayer and stand before Allah, devoutly obedient.
(30:31) - And remain always turning to Him (only), and be fearful and dutiful towards Him, perform Salah and be not of those who commit Shirk.
(40:60) - And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those who disdain My Worship will enter Hell contemptible.
(29:2-3) - Do people think they will be left to say "We believe" and not tested? But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and the liars.
(42:36-38) - So whatever you have been given is but (a passing) enjoyment for this worldly life, but that which is with Allah is better and more lasting for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord. And those who avoid the great sins and lewdness, and when they are angry, they forgive. And those who answer the CALL of their Lord, and perform Salah, and who conduct their affairs by mutual consultation, and who spend of what We have bestowed on them.
(3:160) - If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And let the believers rely on Allah.
(4:103) - And when you have completed Salah, remember Allah standing, sitting, lying on your sides. When you become secure, re-establish your (regular) Salah. Indeed prayer has been decreed upon the believers a decree of specified times.
May we all stay steadfast in His Path.
P/s: To those who felt as if this post is asking for sympathy, PLEASE NOTE that there ain't no such intentions, at all. I AM NOT seeking your sympathy and I do not need humans' sympathy. Allah alone suffice for me. Thank you!
The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph.