What Is Islam?

Any good points found in this blog comes from Allah SWT, all praise to Him. Any mistakes/inaccurate information in this blog is purely due to myself. Hence, please correct and forgive me.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Too damn personal


My eyes hurt bad now. I guess cos it's been some time since I last really cried.

9 hours ago:
My heart feels as if it's been sliced mercilessly and eyes bleeding tears. I'm in excruciating pain. The state I'm in, so unbelievably hard to digest. I couldn't accept and let it sink fast. I couldn't choose to let it disappear nor could I chase away the burning anger flaming within myself. It's been a long, and I mean really long time since I've felt this way.
At the same time, I felt so upset and sad at myself, for being this weak, a helpless servant. Don't feel deserved to be called a "Muslim". I'm so sorry my dear beloved Allah SWT for I wasn't able to make justice to Your Religion. I feel deeply ashamed of myself but I was really so mad and angry at that point in time until I felt like crying cos it also hurt me so bad. Tears were pooling and about to stream down my cheeks but I didn't want to let her see me cry. I held my tears as best as I could. O' God, please forgive me my weakness. I was only trying to do what I think is right i.e. to swallow and control my anger as that is one of the Islamic teachings that I've learnt. (I swear if this happened to me 2 years ago, I'm utterly sure I would have cussed, tell her to SHUT UP and give her a piece of my mind right there and then, not caring even if it's in the public!)

When she first discovered I'm a Muslim, her first statement was "Noo.. No way! Why would you do that?!
You're such an amazing person, what a waste. You can achieve so much more, why choose Islam! I always think of you as a 9/10 person but now, you're a -9/10." I was quite taken aback with that respond cos she's a Muslim herself (i.e. before I found out that apparently, she's of Christian faith now) and I became a "negative" just because I'm a Muslim? I can't be a high achiever because I'm a Muslim? (Say what?!!)

From then, she was going on and on, spitting series of horrible statements about Islam, where I just lightly laughed and gave her a reply to her every negative sentences and accuses (I smirked even though she said  unpleasant things about Islam as I wanted to avoid a tense atmosphere which could lead to a heated argument - which is not going to be pleasant and Allah wouldn't like that too!) but upon hearing the final statement, that was the last straw! I thought I heard her wrong so I wanted to be sure and asked her to repeat, and in my face, she said: "My uncle and I believe the world will be a better place if Islam doesn't exist. The world will be much better and peaceful when Islam dies off and is gone!" Astaghfirulla al adzim. astaghfirulla.. astaghfirulla! I couldn't take in any more of her insults about Islam so I stuffed the rest of my beef kebab into my mouth quickly, stood and said sternly, "Let's go back to the library and study now." I did that cos I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it in any longer if I were to stay on seated in front of her. I felt like I was going to explode! YaAllah. It was just absurd to hear those words, and coming from a person born Muslim? (Astagha. May God guide such people!)

As we walked out of the restaurant, I walked at my accelerated normal pace cos I was burning flames inside. My head couldn't focus, I was entirely in my own world, walking quickly without bothering what's around me, I felt like crying but I couldn't. I didn't want her to see me cry! (I felt like crying not because she was harsh towards me but because she was harsh towards my religion and my beloved Allah! [I don't care if ppl are harsh/mean to me, I couldn't care less about what they think of me.] I was surprised too at my anger and degree of pain I felt because as far as I can remember, not in my lifetime have I experienced "this", even when people talked horrible stuff bout my boyfriend before, I didn't feel this mad, or when people talk about my parents, where I do get angry and pissed and I would shut them off but still, I didn't feel "this" upset! Now I know I am most in love with my Creator, definitely.) As I walked on so fast, I suddenly bumped into another friend of mine in front of the campus main entrance and I don't know why but I somehow felt so glad to see him, I grabbed his hand hard by his leather jacket and asked, "Do YOU hate Islam?" and yes, he was shocked, but he answered "NO! Why would I hate Islam?" I remained silent for a moment, I was stoned. And he asked, "Why are you asking me this question all of a sudden?" I actually don't know myself, seriously. I was just in dire need to hear someone say they're not against Islam. I was definitely going to faint if I were to hear another person say he/she hates/against my true holy religion. Thank God he said no, and in a very convincing and assuring manner too! Alhamdulillahhhh~ After sending him no signals or whatsoever for some moment, he then shook me and asked if there's something wrong. I snapped out of my daze, looked at him for a moment (a catatonic stare was all that I seemed capable of +I was totally confused on what I should do) and unrealisingly, I started pouring out my train of thoughts. After telling him what had happened (which I normally don't do! Many a times I tend to keep it inside and not share with anyone because I'm used to being a lone ranger. I just cry and complain to God of my miseries and problems.), he was consoling me and giving me lots of words of encouragement and he told me that he's so proud of my loyalty towards my God and my religion for he would have exploded had he been in my shoes. Huhu, I was so touched and felt a tiny grain better........ But then, IT hit me! How it's not actually a coincidence to bump into him, but it is God who sent him to my aid! He knew I needed someone to help dampen the emotions I was bearing. SUBHANALLAH~! I was so grateful and I explained to my friend that it's not at all a coincidence and that God has sent him to me! My friend was awed and shocked. He then told me that he has never walked that path before this, but today, he somehow ended up using that route. I could feel his amazement and his face was so full of light and had he been a girl, I would have hugged her so hard!

SubhanAllah, the power of the Almighty Allah SWT is unquestionable! We then part ways and I made my way to the library. While I was doing my work, tears started streaming down automatically, I was becoming emotional and I couldn't hold in my tears, I was crying much and breathing hard. I was really sad thinking bout fraction of her words: how inhumane Islam is, how terrible and cruel Islam is, how Muslims took away her country and the kind of practices by Muslims such as beating of wives and that we're allowed to kill people, and it's not sinful to take away another's life, etc.

I don't know why you let this happen to me today but I shall continue to have faith in You. I love You, Allah SWT. And for this reason, I will go through whatever amount of hurt you've decided for me. It's okay. I'll do it for Your Love's sake!

Do not dispute with anyone in any matter as far as possible. For in argumentation lies much harm and its evil is greater than its benefit. -Imam al-Ghazali